Inspiring Women...

I had an email today that made me stop and think (thanks, Oxfam). The 8th March is International Women's Day, a day to celebrate the achievements of 'the fairer sex' past and present, and they were asking people to tell them about the women who inspire them and who they will be celebrating come the big day. This happens to tie in very nicely with a book I'm reading at the moment (shockingly, not about serial killers, sex workers, vampires or scandalous artists and/or poets), so despite the fact it's a few weeks too early, I shall take advantage of the inspiration and write a blog entry on the women who inspire me the most.

The first is glaringly obvious. Clearly I and every other emancipated woman in the UK owe a HUGE debt of honour to Mrs Pankhurst and all the other women who fought, suffered and, in many cases, died in the struggle for women's suffrage. It sort of goes without saying that come the 8th March, I will pause for a moment and think of them, the pioneers; the women who refused to accept the status quo and stood up for what they believed to be right. They were often cruelly treated in the eyes of the law (hasn't that always been the Lot of Woman?) but they were utterly fearless in the face of oppression, imprisonment, assault (both physical and sexual) and force-feeding and for that I stand humbled and grateful before their collective greatness.

The second is perhaps just as obvious but many times more personal: my mum. There just aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe what an amazing woman my mum actually is, but I'm going to try...Not only did she give me life, but she has been there for me every single day since; for every illness; school performance; boy crisis; friend crisis; the good times and the bad, she is always there to support me and scold me when needed. After my parents divorced and we moved in with her parents, Mum raised the two of us while holding down a full-time job and, eventually, helping nurse my Grandad through his final illness. When I went through my own 'troubles' for a few years, she was always there to love me and let me know she was there for me; I didn't appreciate it at the time, and I'm fairly certain that if it were me I'd have booted me out of the house for being so unremittingly horrid to everyone, but now I appreciate just how much she actually did for me. And it's not just me - whenever any of the family or her many friends need her, she's there, even if things in her own life aren't going so swimmingly. Mum, if you read this, I know I don't tell you often enough just how much I love and appreciate you but you truly are one of my best friends and a total inspiration to me. xx

My third inspiring lady is the utterly fantabulous Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah inspires me because she knows exactly what she wants and she goes out and works bloody hard for it; when she was unceremoniously bumped from Cradle of Filth's tour, she didn't let it deter her ambitions and has moved from 'that bird who sings backing vocals' to a front-woman in her own right. And a bloody brilliant one at that. She's worked her arse off to get to where she is and in my own humble and very biased opinion, she deserves to have all the success in the world. Not only has she come a long way (and battled a fair few demons of her own, I understand) but she is one of the nicest people I have ever had the privilege of meeting and I wish her all the success in the world.

My fourth inspiring woman is Elizabeth Siddal. Lizzie is probably best known as either the tragic wife and muse of poet and artist Dante Gabriel Rossetti, or as the model for John Millais' beautiful painting of Ophelia in the Tate Britain gallery. What many people don't know is that Lizzie was a highly talented artist and painter in her own right, and the streak of melancholy which runs through her work strangely appeals to me. I admire Lizzie in a strange sort of way; some of her behaviour was frankly appalling, but I understand exactly why she did it and in those days women had to do whatever they could to ensure their survival. Lizzie was an individual when most women did as they were told; her work as an artist is incredible for someone who learnt so late in life and her poetry is just beautiful. It saddens me that more people don't know about her (perhaps that's another blog entry) but part of me is glad as well; it makes me feel like I know something the rest of the word doesn't.

Fifth, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Hillary is just so, so inspirational; it was her "women's rights are human rights" speech that first helped politicise me. She trained as a lawyer, was the first female partner in her law firm, and the first female chair of the Legal Services Corporation. As both Governor's wife and First Lady, she campaigned tirelessly for the rights of women and children and worked incredibly hard behind the scenes. When the Monica Lewinsky scandal hit, Hillary was dignified throughout the whole thing and as Secretary of State she's the most powerful and influential woman in America. She hasn't always been right and I haven't always agreed with her methods, her beliefs or her actions, but when it comes down to it I think she's an outstandingly powerful advocate for what women can achieve.

My last heroine is a relatively new discovery for me. I picked up a book called 'The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks' thinking it was a novel; turns out, it's a true story. Henrietta Lacks was a poor black woman who died of cervical cancer in the early 1950's. Before her treatment, such as it was in those days, began, doctors took a sample of the cells from the cancer (without her knowledge or consent) and sent them to a lab in attempt to grow them. Henrietta sadly passed away; her cells, however, kept right on growing and multiplying and developing, and are still growing to this day. He-La, as the chain is known, was right there at the forefront of genetic and cell research; they were the first ever cells to stay alive in culture since research had begun a few decades earlier, and they haven't stopped since. Henrietta's cells were used to develop the polio vaccine; they have been part of the research into the genes which cause cancer and those which suppress it; they helped develop drugs to treat Parkinson’s, influenza, leukaemia...Henrietta Lacks is one of THE most important woman in medical history and yet hardly anyone knows about her. It was absolutely dreadful that the cells were taken without her consent, and heartbreaking that she died, but Henrietta Lacks is one of those women who need to be celebrated on 8th March. Her cells, and therefore part of Henrietta herself, live on...

There are of course other women that have inspired and moved me, but this is my core 'pantheon' and I will celebrate them on International Women's Day with pride and gratitude...

So come on, guys 'n' gals...who are YOUR inspirational women?

Liberty...But Only Within The Strict Ordinances Of The Regime...

As those of you who know and tolerate me will know by now, I can be a teeny bit vocal when it comes to politics. More than one of you will have been subjected to one of my rants about the bunch of muppets that pass for our elected leaders these days, among various other diatribes, and no doubt some of you (or all of you) have disagreed with me about something. And while I still stand by the statement that the current Government are bunch of posh morons with nary an iota of common sense amongst them, I am profoundly grateful to them for one thing - that I live in a country where, if I want to protest about David Cameron's idiotic policies or say that actually I don't really give a monkeys about William and Kate's wedding thank you very much, I can do so without fear of being gagged, tortured or thrown into prison for it.

The reason for this blog post is something that I read in the Times today (I know - posh, right?) But it really struck a chord with me, especially in the wake of the long-awaited release of Aung San Suu Kyi in Burma, who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991 while under house arrest for her unflagging efforts to bring democracy and human rights to that troubled country. This years Nobel Peace Prize winner-elect is Liu Xiaobo of China, another tireless campaigner for human rights in democracy in yet another troubled country. I say winner-elect because, if Mr Liu or a member of his family are unable to collect the prize, it may well not be awarded at all. Mr Liu is, however, in prison, his wife is currently under house arrest and the Chinese Government have just banned the rest of his family from travelling outside the country. Their crime? To attempt to bring democracy and basic human rights to a regime that point-blank refuses to acknowledge that such things exist. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 21st century...

What has made this even more bizarre, apart from the obvious fact of locking up someone who hasn't actually done anything wrong, has been China's response to the news. When Mr Liu's wife went for her monthly visit to the prison two days after the announcement and told him the good news, the authorities promptly had her locked up under house arrest. They have also accused the Nobel Committee of all kinds of shenanigans, and have even written to all the other nations asking them to boycott the event. Surprise, surprise, Russia are going along with their demands. *rolls eyes*

So what exactly did Liu Xiaobo actually DO to merit such treatment? Well, in the words of the Committee who have, despite the 'advice' of China, decided to award the prize, Mr Liu has been involved in "a long and non-violent struggle for fundamental human rights in China". He is currently two years into an eleven year sentence for 'subversion', whatever the hell that means, and co-wrote Charter 08, a document designed to promote political reform and human rights in China. It was for his involvement in this document that he was arrested, just a few hours before it was published, and many others who have signed this document have also been taken in and 'questioned'. All for trying to introduce to their country the same basic rights and dignities we in the Westernized world selfishly take for granted.

It's actually impossible to underestimate the bravery of this man, just as it's impossible to underestimate the bravery of Aung San Suu Kiyi. To try and save themselves from the embarrassment of having a Nobel prize winner in jail, the government of China have made Mr Liu an offer, one they've made to other 'awkward' prisoners in the past such as Wang Dan, the student leader of the demonstrations that eventually led to the outrageous massacre of Tianamen Square in 1989. If he will apply for medical parole and sign a 'confession', they'll release him from prison and he will be exiled from the country forever. But, like so many other brave men and women who exist under the oppressive regime in China, Mr Liu has refused to sign any such spurious confession, preferring instead to serve his sentence and stay in China in order to better serve his country.

Liu Xiaobo's courage, like that of so many others around the world, is humbling. Next time I complain bitterly about some ridiculous law of Government in this country, I shall do so with thanks to the Powers That Be that I can do so freely and openly, that I can join a protest march in London or petition against the leaders of the land; and I shall also think of Mr Liu in his prison cell, of Aung San Suu Kiyi as she adjusts to her freedom, and of the hundreds of thousands of other men, women and children across the world who don't have that right...

Head. Desk.

This is going to probably be a very, very, very short and possibly quite ranty and disjointed post because I am close to blowing a gasket. I shall not dwell on the details because to do so would only make me turn violent; suffice to say that certain people need to realise that a group that was set up for fun is not a dictatorship and I will not be held responsible for expressing an opinion. I'm awaiting both the backlash and my expulsion from said group. Up the Proles!!

On a related-but-happier note, I am trying to get my arse in gear to come up with something vaguely workable for the annual trial that is NaNoWriMo (that's National Novel Writing Month to the less acronym-happy among you). Every year I say 'never again' and yet, come November or July, I am poised over my laptop in a feverish haze attempting to knock out 50,000+ words of something sort-of coherant. It's like an addiction or something. So as November prepares to roll around, I find myself once again at a complete loss for what to write. As it's NaNo, I can't finish the never-ending epic that I started last JulNoWriMo (July Novel Writing Month) because it has to be a completely new piece of work; but although I have a few vague ideas floating around, I can't make a decision or formulate a plot. The options so far?

1) Something based on the life of one of my heroines, Elizabeth Siddal, which is what I planned to do for one of my 2 (yes, 2!) novels last November; I started it but it didn't go to plan as I had no real idea what I was doing, trying to combine her life story with that of a modern girl who was obsessed with Lizzie. So not autobiographical at all, then. ;)
2) Something about the 'Winchester Geese' and the Crossbones Cemetary - I'm spending my days at work at the moment researching prostitution and the 'single women' *coughprostitutescough* buried in Crossbones intrigued me even before I started this.
3) I have a vague notion of Death's Goddaughter being my heroine. She works in a morgue and has a smart-arse cat called Mr Eddie, a live-in ghost called Henry and...and I have no idea what to do with her/them.
4) Something based on a weird dream I had this morning involving the world being devastated by plague, 'safe' communities and the wandering rabid plague victims, and me marrying some Irish guy clled Johnny. Nope, I dunno what it means either.
5) Just writing "help" 50,000 times over.

So yeah, no pressure to come up with anything. Maybe something will crop up the night before, like it did when I wrote the epic that became Poppy Valentine. I must revisit that...

Anyways, to lighten my mood, a video. This was taken (not by me, although I was picture-happy on the night!) at the Sarah Jezebel Deva gig at the Underworld in August. She's awesome, her band are awesome (I got friend-requested by Ablaz, the bassist, which was weird but uber-cool; he rocks!) and the whole night was awesome. I love this song...

If Music Be The Food Of Love...Part 2

I actually think I would die if I didn't have music in my life. I could sort of cope with losing my sight, even as a writer and an avid reader, and although taste and smell would be a bit of a loss as well, it wouldn't be the end of the world if one of them had to go. I don't think I have to worry about losing my sense of touch - after all, even if I was just a head I could still roll around and bump into things - but the one sense that would probably kill me to lose would be my hearing. The thought of living without music, without hearing the songs and bands that I love or getting to hear and discover new ones makes shivers run down my spine. To never hear Apocalyptica make Metallica songs bearable; to never have realised how sexy Corey Taylor's voice is when he's not in Slipknot; to never have been moved by the power of Sarah Jezebel Deva; to never have heard Vibeke Stene, Janis Joplin, Mama Cass, Jimi Hendrix, Jeff Buckley...it's so depressing it's untrue!

Which is why I've spent a lazy afternoon transferring poems currently scribbled on scrappy pieces of paper into my notebook with my mp3 player firmly clamped to my ears. It's been utter bliss; I've rediscovered songs that I a) had no idea were on here and b) had completely forgotten about, and not only is it utterly inspiring to have my favourite singers warbling away in my ears, it's also incredibly soothing. I always know that, whenever I'm struggling to express myself, somewhere out there is a song that does it for me. Methinks ABBA were onto something when they sang "thank you for the music," although if I was to personally thank all the bands, singers and songwriters over the years who have given voice to my emotions and thoughts and provided the soundtrack to my life, I'd be here 'til long after the Apocalypse has been and gone. As previously mentioned, I've been through several musical incarnations over the years, and some of the old favourites have stuck around as a new phase has started, so there are a helluva lot of people on that list...I may never be able to list you all individually (she says, as if they actually read this blog!) but you're in my heart forever. Such is the power of music...

With that in mind, I have become slightly addicted to one of the games on the Nightwish forum. Basically, you whack your mp3 player on 'shuffle' and then the title of each song forms the answer to the questions. Sometimes it's completely incomprehensible (I still get hysterics when I think about the time that the answer to the question "what do your exes think of you?" was 'Swallow' by Emilie Autumn); sometimes they tend to almost make sense, but its a reasonably entertaining way to pass the time when you're 'plugged in' so I've been doing it while writing this blog entry and Facebooking...lets see what we came up with...

How are you feeling today?
Manic Aeon – Sirenia (true…I have been a bit manic today)

What do your friends think of you?
Whore of Heaven – Inkubus Sukkubus (gee, thanks guys…bastards!)

What does your family think of you?
Mad Girl – Emilie Autumn (now that’s definitely true!)

What do strangers think of you?
Like Dylan in the Movies – Belle and Sebastian (cool!)

What do your exes think of you?
Control the Storm – Delain (don’t break my heart then!)

What do you like in a girl/guy?
Siberian Love Affairs – Diablo Swing Orchestra (so I need to be on the lookout for a Siberian fella, eh?)

What is your motto?
Breathe Easy – Sugababes (sounds like reasonable advice!)

Are you good at school/job?
Traffic – Stereophonics (either I’m heading for a career change or this makes no sense!)

Will you have kids?
Dead Boy’s Poem – Nightwish (that would be a no, then…or I’m going to murder my hypothetical son!)

Will you get married?
Yield to Temptation – After Forever (interesting…)

What song will you dance to at your wedding?
The Ballad of Tom Jones – Spaced feat. Cerys Matthews (hahaha, I would actually seriously get married just to do that! Especially given what the song is about…)

What do you think about very often?
The Way You Said Goodnight – The Magnetic Fields (the way who said goodnight though?)

What is a song for today?
Original Sin (The Devil’s Waiting in the Wings) – Angtoria (spookily appropriate for a Sunday…and the fact that it’s, well, me…)

What is a song for tomorrow?
Spectators of Suicide – Manic Street Preachers (I sincerely hope not!)

What is a song for every day?
Dance of Fate – Epica (yay!)

What will next year bring?
Somewhere – Within Temptation (well, that’s as clear as mud…)

What will you do on the weekend?
Castle Down – Emilie Autumn (ooh, sounds interesting…)

What song should they play at your funeral?
About A Girl – Nirvana (yes please!)

What song should they play on your birthday?
Water Fire Heaven Earth – Van Canto (only if you get Van Canto to do it…*dies*)

Will you have a sucessful future?
What If? – Emilie Autumn (ambigous…nice…)

What is your biggest fear?
Half Jack – Dresden Dolls (in a bizarre twist, I can relate…)

What is your biggest secret?
Wicked Game – Stone Sour (well, it’s not a secret now, is it? Tsk…)

How will you die?
Doors Closing Slowly – Manic Street Preachers (I shall avoid doors at all costs then…)

On Hero Worship

There's an old saying that you should never meet your heroes because you'll only end up disappointed. Well, I can quite cheerfully say that I have been fortunate enough to meet 2 of my heroes this year and neither of them has disappointed me. The first was Laura Richards, who I met at domestic violence conference in March. Laura is an absolute hero of mine for her work in the criminal profiling field; she has also worked with another of my heroes in the field, John Douglas, and has devised the new risk assessment that is being rolled out nationwide as we speak. For all this alone, Laura deserves respect...the fact that she was incredibly lovely and generous with her time when I went up to her like some geeky fangirl at a pop concert afterwards is just an amazing bonus. And then she said that if I emailed her, she'd send me a list of books to read since I was so interested in criminal profiling and psychology; this later proved not to be just a throwaway comment as, when I bit the bullet and emailed her, she was as good as her word.

The second of my heroes that I've met, and the one that really means the most to me for deeply personal reasons, is the singer Sarah Jezebel Deva. For years known only as "that woman who sings with Cradle of Filth" (or Mortiis, or Therion, or any other number of bands you could mention), Sarah has recently branched out on her own with an album in 2006 from her band Angtoria and a solo album this year. Last night was the final night of her first solo tour, at the Underworld in Camden, and despite the fact that I felt absolutely exhausted and ill, I was determined to go and see the show; it had already been postponed from May and besides, Sarah's music has got me through some really bad times in the past so no way was I going to pass up the chance to see the lady herself. And I am so, so pleased that I went now, because not only was the show utterly incredible, but I actually got to meet her and she was just awesome.

The story is this: I made a necklace for Sarah as a way of saying thank you to her for making such powerful songs which have got me through some really, really bad times. When I haven't felt able to express how I feel about certain situations, her songs have spoken to me and said the words for me. (And yes, I realise this makes me border on the lunatic-psycho-fangirl-stalker, but it isn't meant like that). After the show - which was completely amazing; she and the band deserve to be playing to a hell of a lot more people than were there last night - I wasn't sure whether Sarah would be waiting for everyone to leave before coming out to celebrate with her friends and family, but she had pointed out her godmother earlier on in the show, and I so I took a chance and, as politely as I could because I didn't want to be intrusive, asked her if she would please give the necklace to Sarah. Well. Her godmother is also a fantastically-lovely person; she immediately asked her daughter if Sarah was coming out, and when I explained the situation her daughter went backstage and returned a few minutes later with Sarah. I was completely and utterly gobsmacked. I was even more gobsmacked when she told me that I was really sweet for making the necklace for her and that she would wear it; when I managed to tell her why I'd done it, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and - despite the fact she probably just wanted to chill out after the show - she spoke to me for a couple of minutes. To top it all off today, after I posted on her FB page about it, she said it had been the first gift as a frontwoman she'd ever received. (Believe me, Sarah, I'm sure it won't be the last!) I am soooo amazed by how lovely she is, and yet I'm actually not at all surprised in a lot of ways because she's always seemed to be very down to earth. It was just amazing and has not only made me feel a bit brighter but has also made me more determined than ever that whatever this thing is (IBS or Crohns or whatever) it is NOT going to beat me. Sarah Jezebel Deva has proved that you can go through really, really terrible times in your life and come out the other side a stronger person; she's inspired me to do so in the past and she's inspiring me again. I won't give up without a fight and I WILL get through this latest problem, no matter how difficult it is. I have a lot of strong female role models in my life, including Sarah, and I look to them as my inspirations and my heroines. On a day when Theresa May, the Home Secretary, scraps a law that bans domestic abusers from the home for 2 weeks to allow their partners time to consider their options and get out, I am eternally grateful that there are still strong, powerful women out there that girls can look to as their role models. Theresa May will never join my mum on my 'inspirational' list, but Sarah Jezebel Deva most definitely will...

If Music Be The Food Of Love...Part 1

...then I clearly pigged out at the buffet. One look at my music collection clearly indicates that my love of music is as eclectic as my love of clothes - some days full-on Goth, some days a hippy-chick or a skinny indie kid, and others an inmate of a Victorian Asylum for Wayward Girls. The reason for this post is because I just entered the 'Face The Music' contest at the British Music Experience website - I got 64/64 and won a prize, plus entry into the prize draw to win mega prizes (I'm crossing my fingers for the Vintage Goodward day - old clothes and old cars are my idea of heaven!) A lot of the artists they had cartooned for the competition were ones that I had grown up listening to and had really liked over the years; still do, in a lot of cases, for I'm as loyal to my favourite albums and artists as I am the new ones, which is why Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath sit happily alongside Nightwish and Apocalyptica on my shelf. I also have no problem mixing genres (well, a lot of dance music or rap irritates me beyond belief, but that's about it), which is why Kylie and Nirvana, Muse and Inkubus Sukkubus, Emilie Autumn and Garbage all rub along nicely together.

I have a big thing about women in music, though; I would say that at least half of my stuff is either female solo artists or female-fronted bands. And I'm not trying to make some big political feminist statement or anything here; a lot of the bands or artists that I love just happen to be women. I still freak out over male artists/bands just as much as anyone else does, and if you were to look at the men in music that I've lusted after over the years...well, let's just say we don't have the time to list them. But as I've got older and my tastes have expanded (musically I mean, not just hormonally, although that's probably improved somewhat), I still have a lot of affection for some of the stuff I grew up with...

It started with Kylie. I was five, she was still Charlene from Neighbours, and I was besotted with her. I wanted to be Kylie; she was so pretty and had such amazing hair and clothes...look, I was five, ok! Before that, all I'd really listened to was the Elvis my dad played and my mum's eclectic taste (classical music, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and Duran Duran). But Kylie...she was all mine and I worshipped her. With Kylie, naturally, came Jason Donovan; it was officially love. Shortly after, I discovered (in rapid succession) Bros, New Kids on the Block, East 17, Boyzone and the Backstreet Boys...yes, I was a pop princess and proud of it! I even liked the Spice Girls...then I had a revelation when I discovered Nirvana and the old rock bands of the 70's (thanks, Mum!) At roughly the same time, the Manic Street Preachers entered my life and I entered what is known as my 'skinny indie kid' phase. That lasted pretty much all the way through college; by the time I was 18, I was a fully fledged rock and metal chick. Who still loved Kylie. What? She's bloody Kylie!! (This, by the way, is a very quick whistlestop tour of my musical history and heritage. If I listed all the bands that I loved here, half of them you won't have heard of and the other half will probably make you go "who?")

So yes...Kylie. Thanks to her, I got to know that girls could sing just as well as boys (I was 5, remember...it was an innocent time back in the 80's). And because of Kylie, I got to know the Spice Girls, who taught me girl power and encouraged my feminist leanings. On a very juvenile level, admittedly, but still...Then I discovered Alanis Morrisette, Siouxsie Sioux, Kate Bush, Shirley Manson and Courtney Love...I was officially converted to the 'girls rock' message and - although I worship my male rock gods in all their glory - it's the women who have a special place in my heart.

And so, to the women in music who have inspired me, comforted me, given expression to things I could never imagine and given voice to the things that I have; to Kylie, who started it all; to Siouxsie and Alanis; the girls in Bananarama and the Spice Girls; to Shirley and Courtney and all the other female singers and musicians that I have great respect and love for (Simone, Vibeke, Emilie, Tarja, Anette, Angela...); to all of them: thank you. And an especial thank you to the fabulous Sarah Jezebel Deva, who is not only one of the most talented and fabulous people I have ever come across, but has proved that meeting your heroes doesn't always have to mean disappointment. She is so warm and funny, and takes the time to communicate with as many of her fans as possible and that, to me, makes her even more fantastic...Cradle of Filth's loss is definitely metal's gain!



More posts in this vein to follow, I feel...gotta spread the talent!

The Art of the Tease...

So I hit the big three-oh in a couple of years (and yes, I'm having kittens at the very thought, because I don't feel 28 and - as anyone who knows me will testify - I sure as hell don't act it!) I always knew that the event would have to be marked in a big way, and from talking to my Baby Forumbat, GemGem, a few weeks ago, I'm leaning towards a full-on Burlesque Bash. All of which leads me neatly into my random babble for today...

I need to do burlesque. I have a deep-seated, burning obsession with it, which is ridiculous because I get stage fright at the drop of a hat and am not exactly Little Miss Body Confident (I need Gok-ing!) but I desperately, desperately want to go and have burlesque lessons. The only thing is, I'm not so sure that I'd want to go by myself, and I don't know that any of my friends would be up for it. But it would just be so much fun, and a big confidence booster; besides, who wouldn't want to get to dress up like a vintage sex kitten and strut around like Dita Von Teese or the uber-sexy Veronica Varlow?

Isn't she a doll? I have the biggest girl-crush on Veronica, and her clothes...I need to save up (or win the lottery or something) so that I can buy the Bonnie dress below, and then I can wear it to rob a bank (or an X Factor judge) so that I can buy all the other clothes and then go to the London School of Burlesque for private lessons. This is the plan...

All this before the big three-oh. Piece of cake. Hey, maybe I could burst out of a cake for the big event...?