Question: Why does an Essex Girl wear knickers?
Answer: To keep her ankles warm.
Question: How do you know when an Essex Girl's been using a computer?
Answer: There's Tipp-Ex all over the screen
And in those two 'jokes' you pretty much get all you need to know about the girls from the fair county of Essex...at least according to TV producers, Nuts magazine and most of the rest of the population. Oh, the jokes I've heard over the years implying that because I was born in Essex I must either be a slag, really thick or both. It got worse after Jodie Marsh was 'discovered' in "Essex Wives" and even more horrendous after that stupid "The Only Way Is Essex" drivel was shown recently. I will confess to raising a wry smile at some of the jokes, but right now I'm making a stand. And not just because I've heard them all by now...
Why is it so bloody difficult to make a programme about Essex that doesn't show its residents as thick slags or those smug 'wide-boy' arses who make me want to scratch their precious Ford Cortina with my white stilettos? I'll be the first person to admit that we have more than our fair share of those two groups, but there are some phenomenally talented people from Essex who should make the county proud - you never see them on any of these shows! It makes me so angry - if you were to make a programme that deliberately conformed to the stereotypes of Muslims, for example, or the Welsh, you'd be shot, and yet it's ok to do it about Essex-ers? Enough is enough!!
We aren't just the county that gave the world Jodie friggin' Marsh and that muppet Scott from Five (for which, by the way, I heartily apologise. We had no right to inflict them on the rest of the UK...I also apologise for Noel Edmonds and, inadvertently, Mr Blobby). Dame Maggie Smith is an Essex Girl, as is Dame Helen Mirren; Sally Gunnell's a Essex Girl born and bred; hell, the leader of the Peasant's Revolt - a certain Mr Wat Tyler - was an Essex Boy, as is Bilbo Baggins (Sir Ian Holm) and the man who discovered antiseptic, Joesph Lister. Even old Fang-Boy himself, True Blood's Stephen Moyer, is one of us. And although he wasn't actually born here, the late, great Douglas Adams - the man who discovered the very meaning of life, for goodness sake (42) - moved here at the age of 5, as did Griff Rhys Jones. Goddammit, even Joan Sims was an Essex Girl!! We have brains in this county; brains and wit and hard graft and we're NOT all thick and useless!! We work hard, we play hard and we fight bloody hard for what we believe in, as Uncle Wat and Aunt Boadicea have inspired us to do. Essex folk, especially its women, are bloody fierce and I am fiercely proud to be from this county.
So the next time some smart arse makes some wisecrack about being an Essex Girl, I'm going to look back at the roll call of 'real' Essex Girls (i.e. not Jodie friggin' Marsh) and lift my chin with pride. We're NOT thick. We're NOT slags. We're fierce and beautiful and the only reason the rest of the world makes up jokes about us is because they're jealous and scared. And if it happens to you, my fellow Essex Girls, this is what you do. Channel Boadicea. Channel Dames Helen and Maggie. Conjure up the rebellious spirit of Wat Tyler and then skip away from the poor pathetic fool who has to joke about who and what we are, safe in the knowledge that, actually, we are utterly amazing.
And if you happen to be wearing white stilettos at the time - ironically or otherwise - so much the better...
Embrace your inner Essex Girl, people, and don't take others' opinions to heart. It's what Dame Maggie would do, and SHE, after all, is fabulous...
Answer: To keep her ankles warm.
Question: How do you know when an Essex Girl's been using a computer?
Answer: There's Tipp-Ex all over the screen
And in those two 'jokes' you pretty much get all you need to know about the girls from the fair county of Essex...at least according to TV producers, Nuts magazine and most of the rest of the population. Oh, the jokes I've heard over the years implying that because I was born in Essex I must either be a slag, really thick or both. It got worse after Jodie Marsh was 'discovered' in "Essex Wives" and even more horrendous after that stupid "The Only Way Is Essex" drivel was shown recently. I will confess to raising a wry smile at some of the jokes, but right now I'm making a stand. And not just because I've heard them all by now...
Why is it so bloody difficult to make a programme about Essex that doesn't show its residents as thick slags or those smug 'wide-boy' arses who make me want to scratch their precious Ford Cortina with my white stilettos? I'll be the first person to admit that we have more than our fair share of those two groups, but there are some phenomenally talented people from Essex who should make the county proud - you never see them on any of these shows! It makes me so angry - if you were to make a programme that deliberately conformed to the stereotypes of Muslims, for example, or the Welsh, you'd be shot, and yet it's ok to do it about Essex-ers? Enough is enough!!
We aren't just the county that gave the world Jodie friggin' Marsh and that muppet Scott from Five (for which, by the way, I heartily apologise. We had no right to inflict them on the rest of the UK...I also apologise for Noel Edmonds and, inadvertently, Mr Blobby). Dame Maggie Smith is an Essex Girl, as is Dame Helen Mirren; Sally Gunnell's a Essex Girl born and bred; hell, the leader of the Peasant's Revolt - a certain Mr Wat Tyler - was an Essex Boy, as is Bilbo Baggins (Sir Ian Holm) and the man who discovered antiseptic, Joesph Lister. Even old Fang-Boy himself, True Blood's Stephen Moyer, is one of us. And although he wasn't actually born here, the late, great Douglas Adams - the man who discovered the very meaning of life, for goodness sake (42) - moved here at the age of 5, as did Griff Rhys Jones. Goddammit, even Joan Sims was an Essex Girl!! We have brains in this county; brains and wit and hard graft and we're NOT all thick and useless!! We work hard, we play hard and we fight bloody hard for what we believe in, as Uncle Wat and Aunt Boadicea have inspired us to do. Essex folk, especially its women, are bloody fierce and I am fiercely proud to be from this county.
So the next time some smart arse makes some wisecrack about being an Essex Girl, I'm going to look back at the roll call of 'real' Essex Girls (i.e. not Jodie friggin' Marsh) and lift my chin with pride. We're NOT thick. We're NOT slags. We're fierce and beautiful and the only reason the rest of the world makes up jokes about us is because they're jealous and scared. And if it happens to you, my fellow Essex Girls, this is what you do. Channel Boadicea. Channel Dames Helen and Maggie. Conjure up the rebellious spirit of Wat Tyler and then skip away from the poor pathetic fool who has to joke about who and what we are, safe in the knowledge that, actually, we are utterly amazing.
And if you happen to be wearing white stilettos at the time - ironically or otherwise - so much the better...
Embrace your inner Essex Girl, people, and don't take others' opinions to heart. It's what Dame Maggie would do, and SHE, after all, is fabulous...
