New Year, Same Story...

You can tell it's a new year.  Pretty much every shop you go in now has books, magazines or DVDs dedicated to taking the Old You and turning it into a Shiny New You lining the shelves and jumping out at you in special promotions.  You literally cannot move for people promoting things to help you stop smoking, lose weight, find true love, change your wardrobe, get a new haircut, improve your fitness, be happy, blah-di-blah-di-freaking-dah.  What IS it about the whole 'new year' thing that turns people into such self-loathing individuals that they must rely on the likes of Gillian McKeith, Paul McKenna and some Z-list 'celebrities' to make them feel better about themselves?  Personally I'm still working on finding out whether or not I like the Old Me; it seems faintly ludicrous to me to then chuck all that to one side and start again, only to have to repeat the process in another 12 months.  I find it all terribly depressing, to be honest.

Yes, ok, we all have things about ourselves we would LIKE to change; I personally could quite happily rip out half my insides with a blunt teaspoon at the moment because it seems preferable to all this to-ing and fro-ing to the doctors I'm doing, but health 'stuff' aside (which will eventually be sorted, I'm sure), I can honestly say there isn't much I'd like to redo.  I've done my share of stressing about how my body does or doesn't look; it is what it is from a physical point of view, and nothing short of invasive and frankly terrifying surgery is ever going to change that fact.  Besides, every time I start doubting myself or comparing myself to other women, I go back to the photos I had taken last year and feel better: that IS me and actually I look pretty damn good, even though I say it myself.  And I've always liked my eyes - my friend Frankie once told me I had 'end of the world' eyes because they reminded him of the opening titles for the TV show 'Heroes', so clearly I'm not the only one who thinks they're pretty awesome. 

And yes, I WOULD like to be more confident, or know what I want to do with my life, but the fact is things like that are always going to be works in progress.  Life HAPPENS, and sometimes all that confidence you built up gets knocked down again and you have to reassess things, but that's all part of the joy and misery and chaos of being ALIVE.  When I look back at how far I've come in getting to grips with who I am - and liking the things that I find, or at least accepting them - then I realise what an incredible journey this whole 'life' thing actually is, and how we should just embrace every single second of it.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan; sometimes people will hurt you and knock you down, but you DO get through it and it makes you a stronger person.  What I need - what we ALL need - is to be happy with who and what we are as individuals; only once you've come to terms with yourself can you start thinking about changes.  Any change you make has to be on YOUR terms, not just because everyone else is doing it of because you think you 'have to'.  There's no 'have to' about it, as far as I'm concerned, so Gillian McKeith and the rest can sod off because they'll get no sales from me.  

I'm not completely knocking them, because I DO think sometimes people need a little extra help to get things done, but only for certain 'issues' and only if it's a decision YOU made.  If you feel a bit low on the old confidence front (and boy do I know how that feels) then just think about the people around you.  They hang out with you because they like YOU, not some air-brushed psycho-analysed version of you.  All those people can't be wrong, can they, so take it as a baby step and see where it brings you.  I'm no expert on this - after all, I'm still exploring who I am and if I like Me - but I really believe that sometimes all these self-help books and things cause more harm than good.  And no amount of advertising is ever going to make me change that.  As they sing in La Cage Aux Folles, "I am what I am" - get to grips with that and you're well on your way...

What A Lovely Bella Notte...

So here's the thing.  You know how sometimes you can associate something, be that a person or film or song or whatever, with a specific memory and then whenever you come across that person/film/song/whatever again it can blindside you with instant recall of said memory?  It's the most bizarre thing; you can be in the middle of something completely absorbing, twenty-odd years after the original memory was created, and then BAM!  Instantaneous total recall.  Welcome to what happened to me today...

There I was, minding my own business and doing something constructive with my time (honest), when the phone rings.  Turns out the 8 year old daughter of one of my friends needs to speak to me on a Matter of Great Importance; never one to refuse a heartrending cry for help, it was immediately action stations and Auntie Kate to the rescue.  In the event, the Matter of Great Importance was solved relatively quickly and easily, but as she was walking into the living room to give the phone back to her dad I heard a familiar song playing on her end of the phone.  Oh yes, Small Child says brightly, for we are watching Lady and the Tramp this afternoon.  Aaaand BAM!  Suddenly I am sobbing like a lunatic and have to try to explain myself.

The reason for such hysteria is quite simple.  What I heard on the other end of the phone was Bella Notte; for those of you who haven't seen Disney's Lady and the Tramp (you Philistines), this is the song that plays when Tramp takes Lady to an Italian restaurant and they have spaghetti and meatballs while being serenaded by the owner and one of the chefs.  Now I don't care that it's a) a cartoon or b) about cartoon dogs, this is one of THE most romantic moments ever committed to celluloid and, even as a small child, it left a remarkably vivid impression on me.  Not for the Great Epic Romance it conjures up (although that's definitely a part of it) but because it made me think of my Grandad. 

See, when I was but a wee slip of a girl I used to go and stay with my Dad's parents ALL the time.  They were without a doubt two of the greatest grandparents in the entire history of the world (my Mum's parents, of course, being the other two) and I absolutely adored them, especially my Grandad.  One of the many, many perks we grandchildren got when we went to stay overnight was being allowed to pick a film to watch as a family in the evenings before being packed off to bed; Lady and the Tramp was one of my regular selections and, whenever it got to the restaurant scene my Grandad, who had served in Italy during the Second World War, would ALWAYS sing Bella Notte to me.  My grandad died just before my twenty-first birthday and, for reasons I've never quite been able to explain even to myself, I've studiously avoided watching Lady and the Tramp ever since, even though I own it on DVD and think it's one of the best films Disney ever created.  My memories of the film, especially that song, are inextricably bound up with my memories of my Grandad, but even so I was stunned by how immediate and visceral my reaction to hearing Bella Notte was; it was proper, actual sobbing and caught me completely off guard.  

I have to say, though, for all the tears it caused listening to that song again has actually made me feel like I want to sit down and see the film again for the first time in years.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to make myself a hot chocolate, grab myself a biscuit and settle down in front of Lady and the Tramp and pretend, just for a little while, that I'm eight years old again.  And when it gets to that particular scene I will probably bawl my eyes out all over again, but I will still sing along and thank the Fates for blessing me with the wonderful people in my life - past and present - who give me such amazing memories...

Day of the Lust List...

The GBF wanted me to call this something like 'Friday Fitties' but then again he's completely insane.  Besides, he denigrated my Lust List yesterday which basically makes him slightly lower down my list of All-Time Awesome People than he was before.  (I jest - I love him more than Green and Blacks and he knows it.  That's half the problem...)

But because he suggested it (and to prove to the world at large that my taste in men isn't all bad...honest), we have officially designated Fridays as the Day of the Lust List.  Which sounds like a terrible 50's B-movie that I would actually go and see in a heartbeat because, y'know, terrible 50's B-movies are all kinds of awesome, but is actually nothing more than an excuse for me to post pictures of not-at-all-unattractive-yet-very-talented gentlemen.  *cough*  To be honest it's more like an excuse for me to post the pictures and for the GBF (who now lives in Scouseland and so cannot abuse me in person) to cackle hysterically at them and send me cruel and taunting emails.  These are the sacrifices I willingly make...So here we go with the first Friday Lust List entry...

Ladies and not-ladies and everything in between, I give you....Shemar Moore.

I totally watch Criminal Minds for the gripping story lines and the fact that - hello! - it's about the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit at Quantico, which was sort of my dream job destination as a teenager.  The fact that Shemar Moore is in it is merely a happy coincidence, but one which occasionally means I miss a vital plot point and have to rewind the DVD again.

And I know I won't get any snarky emails from the GBF for this one because he thinks - for once - that I done good on this one.  Result...

Until next Friday, then, the Lust List is officially closed...

Hotter Than An Otter?

My friend Emma LOVES otters. Like, actually ADORES them. In fact I'm convinced that when the otters rise up and rule the world (it can only be a matter of time), Emma will be the only human not sold into slavery because she's the only one who truly appreciated their greatness when the rest of us thought they were just reasonably cute furry things. (Unless of course the sheep fight back, in which case Vlad will be the sole survivor and the ruler of the world. It is known).

There is a point to this post, honest. Besides pointing out how awesome Emma and Vlad are, I mean. Whenever I think of how happy otters make Emma, or of all the times I see a sheep and think of Vlad, it makes me realise that there are certain things - sometimes slightly weird or odd things - which make me happy too, no matter how bleak things might be getting. Family and friends, of course, come top of this list every single time, but here are ten things that always bring a smile to my face...

1) Penguins. I don't care what anyone says, penguins are the best bird on the entire planet. No other creature can reduce me to hysterical laughter just by walking from point a to point b. Mother Nature deserves an award for creating them.

2) Sunflowers and daffodils. They always manage to cheer me up because they're so bright and beautiful.

3) The hysterical shrieking laughter small children make when getting pushed just that little bit too high on the park swings.

4) Feeding the ducks. There is no pleasure either greater or simpler.

5) Old photos. There are two in particular which never fail to make me smile: the one of me and my brother at Yser Monde in Belgium when we were barely knee-high to the passing ducks, and the one of me with a lampshade on my head. (I was about 2, ok?) I'll also flick through my photos of Ireland and Scotland because both places are so dear to me.

6) 'Ophelia' by John Millais. The Pre-Raphaelites are my artistic heroes and this is one of the most incredible paintings I've ever seen. Plus the model for Ophelia was Lizzie Siddal, a total heroine of mine who deserves far more recognition as an artist and poet in her own right. It's a stunningly beautiful painting - she looks like she's about to step out of the picture and touch you.

7) Kicking through the autumn leaves on a beautifully sunny autumn day. Come the season, I do this a lot. I don't care if it's not 'grown-up'; it makes me smile.

8) Re-reading my personal Old Faithful - The Princess Bride.

9) The scent of summer rain.

10) Putting a particularly embarrassing cheesy tune (which shall remain nameless, although feel free to guess) on my mp3 player and dancing round my room to it. It's 4 minutes and 3 seconds of pure pop perfection; I don't care how uncool it makes me, it's better than Prozac. Fact.

So there you have it: 10 of the things which make me smile no matter how down I feel or how frustrated with things I get. There are plenty of others, but these are my fail-safe happy remedies and I couldn't be without them.

Of course otters are still going to rule the universe, but so long as they and Em allow me to keep at least a handful of these things, I will endure my servitude in silence...

Things That Make You Go "Ooh"...

So now the festive season has been and gone and another new year is upon us. I'm still trying to fathom where the last twelve months went, to be honest, and now I find another twelve looming large before me...I always used to laugh when The Parents said that time went quicker the older you got but, as it turns out, they were right. Who knew? But now Ye Olde Festive Merriment is no more and now we're all left surveying the leftover turkey, stale Christmas cake (seriously, why do we all bother making/buying one? No one ever eats it) and dying Christmas tree and wondering how it all went by so fast. I hope you and yours had a suitably jolly festive season; personally I err on the Grinchy side of all things Christmassy, but even I managed to raise a smile or two in the spirit of the season this year, which is surprisingly shocking. But then again I managed to get myself into the festive spirit a tad early this year by doing A Good Deed (http://www.amnesty.org.uk/content.asp?CategoryID=10673&gclid=CO-grpuHuq0CFVQLfAoduBR4AA) and this made me realise that, even though I am technically Katy Grinch, I have plenty to be thankful for at this time of year...

First there was Yule, which of course necessitated the yearly 'tah-dah!' present from the GBF. This year it was an education for a young girl in Africa, giving her a head start in life and hopefully going someway to help her break out of poverty by getting an education. From such tiny acorns great forests grow and, as always, I thank Lee from the bottom of my jaded heart for not only knowing me inside out but for also being there whenever the dung hits the whirly thing. Even though you have left me for Scouseland, I am terminally grateful for having you in my life. You do, in fact, Rule. (Now please come back from Scouseland because I miss our Duvet Day DVD Marathons!! :P)

Secondly, there was Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. This necessitated being en famille, and I am deeply and profoundly grateful for the whole bloody lot of them. I know full well that I can be the world's biggest pain sometimes, but they are always on my side, always supportive and always there for me no matter what; they say you can't choose your family and frankly I don't want to. There was a slight emotional hiccup, as there always is, but the family I did have around me are too wonderful for words and I love them all deeply. Words can never be enough. It was also wonderful having new family around, as we went to my brothers for Christmas Day; it was great to spend the day with him and his girlfriend, as well as her family, and hopefully this will be the first of many.

Thirdly, there were my friends. I am blessed to have some incredible people in my life who actively choose to associate with me - I keep waiting for them to see the error of their ways but so far common sense seems to have eluded them. I won't force the issue as I adore them all too much to lose them and remain humbled, honoured and incredibly lucky to be the recipient of their friendship. If I only make one resolution this new year (which I tend not to do as I fail miserably at keeping them), it will be to do my utmost to be there for my friends whenever they need me. I'm rubbish at keeping in touch and I can go for days without touching technology, but my friends are often the reason I keep going when the world looks too bleak and, without sounding too much like a Hallmark card (I hope), each and every one of them has touched me and changed me in a number of ways. I have laughed with them, cried with them, screamed at half-naked cellists with them and not a day goes by when I don't think of them.

So yes, there were many reasons to be thankful during the Winter Festivities. And perhaps that pre-Christmas letter-writing spree to try and bring a little hope and solidarity to the lives of others not as fortunate as I am was the catalyst I needed to remind myself that, no matter how dark I think the road ahead may be, I have an incredible family and wonderful friends to support me, a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, and food and medical treatment to keep me alive. There are dark days out there, and there are emotional wounds that may never heal, but maybe I'm learning to become better at seeing the good instead of the bad; at finding the light instead of the dark. The people I wrote to offering my solidarity have witnessed the most unspeakable acts of man's inhumanity and cruelty to man and they have done so with a strength and a courage I can only imagine. Their struggles serve to remind me how fortunate I am, and so I make them all - the AWN, Fatima Hussein Badi, Natalia Estemirova, WOZA, Inés Fernández Ortega and Valentina Rosendo Cantú - my last reason to be cheerful. Their stories gave me perspective when I would usually be immersed in a sea of selfishness and Grinchyness, and for that I will be forever grateful...